Crimson and Cloverfield: Over and Over (stomach turns that is)

Cloverfield Couple of jerks

Does anyone remember a show on NBC called “Empty Nest”?

Anyone?

It was on late in the 80s (early 90s) and was a kind of spin off of “The Golden Girls” which would later lead to another spin off called “Nurses” (Empty Nest’s spin off that is).

Well, I ask because in the “Empty Nest,” there was a character named Charly Dietz (played by David Leisure as you just saw on the clip).

He was supposed to be some kind of sleazy cruise captain (who probably follows in the vein of lots of other characters who happen to be sleazy, inept, swinging bachelors in definite need of antibiotics, i.e: Quagmire, Howard Borden, Dan Fielding, etc) who would pop in and out of the lives of the main characters. The “Empty Nest” character’s names elude me, but I do remember one being a neurotic head case, and the other being some kind of lesbian cop (who for years I swore was Atreyu on “The Never Ending Story”)…

Atreyu Mcnicol
Okay, Kristy McNichole is not a gay, but Matt Dillion WAS prettier than her, right?

Moving along.

For whatever reason, the tidbit I remember is Charley being really happy that his personalized licence plates have finally arrived. He says his plates will tell everyone about him(in six letters). He’s a “Sea Lover.”

He holds it up and it reads: CLOVER. (Har har.)

The gag during the rest of the episode (whatever it was about), was Charley trying to convince everyone his plate is not CLOVER, but C-Lover.

Well, I bring this up because I wonder if maybe Abrams saw that episode. I’m kind of really hoping he did, and that I’m not just pulling at air trying to find something interesting about his terrible movie.

Yeah yeah, he tells people the name was inspired by “the freeway exit and airport near his Santa Monica office,” but wouldn’t it be nice if it also had something to do with his crappy monster being a sea lover? Eh eh eh?

Plus, the monster had crabs falling off it self. Crabs people! Hello, is that not something that would happen to someone who had C-Lover vanity type plates? I’m just saying.

Oh well, my overall verdict of the film right?

Earlier I said I had a bad feeling about it right? And how I wanted to be proven wrong…WELL.

That has yet to happen people.

Thumbs Down

Cloverfield was a bad movie. In the words of the one so-so character Hud, “It’s a terrible thing.” (I might even be getting his quote wrong actually, but eh well).

I give it a C- grade rating at most. And I only it give it that letter because I’m still talking Crap about it(and I want to stay in tune with C-lover).

What didn’t I like about it? The short list?

The story was lame. A plot/love story that was almost as inept as any chance of a steady shot through out the entire film. It was not The American Godzilla it aimed to be. It wasn’t even really a monster movie. More like a cheap high school soap play that happened to have a monster tearing up the city in the back ground. Anything could have easily replaced the monster really. An earthquake, a gang of terrorist, a giant marshmallow, whatever.

The dialogue was crap. Maybe the camera made them nervous, maybe it was a theme they were going for, who knows…none of it felt remotely natural or real.

And sure, Shakespeare doesn’t feel natural, but there’s something to it you know.

The Deep Writings

It’s deep stuff right?

Speaking of deep…the characters. Putting it mildly, these cardboard cut out New York hipsters had the kind of depth even toddlers wouldn’t dip their feet into. And omigod the main guy–he sucked sooooooooo much. He is like a poor man’s Michael Vartan (who’s name I only now know because I looked him up specifically to prove how much better he is than the Cloverfield guy.) except he’s super annoying. And, my god he couldn’t deliver emotion if he had a hat that said Dominoes on it…uggh.

Oh and don’t get me started on…you know what?

There are loads of reviews out there, pick one and run with it, just don’t run with a camera PLEASE.

C the movie if you want, don’t C it. Just don’t expect too much I guess. And if you’re prone to C (sea) sickness, take some Dramamine.

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3 Comments

Filed under Cloverfield, Empty Nest, Entertainment, Films, Movies, Nerd bites, Observations, Pop Culture, Review, TV, YouTube

3 responses to “Crimson and Cloverfield: Over and Over (stomach turns that is)

  1. Pingback: The Cloverfield aftermath « le bunny

  2. I’ve seen plenty of mixed reviews for Cloverfield in the past several days. This one has got to be the most hilarious! Thanks for posting. Cheers!

    BTW, I vaguely remember that show Empty Nest, and watched it only for the les–, er, Kristy McNichol.

  3. Well thank you @jonsquared, I’m glad you enjoyed the post. If I can get one laugh from anyone I’m a happy camper.

    (As far as tv memories go) You know, I don’t even know how I remembered “Empty Nest,”really.

    The way my mind works sometimes–frankly that I’m able to put a sentence together, or a blog, it’s baffling really.

    Thanks again for stopping by. Have a fantastic MLK day.

    Long Live McNichol!
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